I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Yes, but it was never about money
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir