Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep