When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I can fix him.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.