A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
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i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I bet birds love this building.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.