7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Animal poetry
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]