Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
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I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
This 4th of July, please remember…
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!