The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Never ghost your hitman.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully