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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Oh yeah that’s it
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”