*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Good advice.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!