Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.