*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
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judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*