Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
man i love columbo
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem