Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g