governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
You Might Also Like
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Finally!
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.