Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
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amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex