Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
fixed it
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.