I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.