I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
You Might Also Like
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Labreador
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion