A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast