Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
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“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*