narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
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oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.