*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
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‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.