has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
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What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”