GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.