me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.