I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Monday
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go