I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”