ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
You Might Also Like
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.