7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Cha-ching is my safe word
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum