The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Otters see a butterfly.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.