[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
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Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.