Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Just parrot things
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
cyclists
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.