This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
craving $300 all of a sudden
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*