Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
The 6 types of sex
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.