Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
You Might Also Like
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.