Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
TODAY
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The Onion called it…again.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
🤔😂😂
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.