Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer