The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
do what now??
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫