Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
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some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”