can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
You Might Also Like
The honesty is refreshing
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.