My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I know
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.