Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes