I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
wishing you and yours all the best
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Ok but actually
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.