Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
You Might Also Like
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Just as the prophecy foretold
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too