Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.