“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
You Might Also Like
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.