A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
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Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”