When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Found the job I’m suited for
best first i’ve ever seen
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.