I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”