What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
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Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.